I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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