tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize