If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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