you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
