Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize