You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
