i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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