You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
