you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
