I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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