I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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