Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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