While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
