omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
