before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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