i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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