I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize