i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
