FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
