I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
