I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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