oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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