I think I am morally bankrupt
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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