This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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