Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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