he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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