My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
