when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
