you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize