"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
