he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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