We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
