I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
