so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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