I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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