I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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