well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize