mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
