I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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