the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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