ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize