it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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