My underwear smells like fireworks.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
ok first of all what the fuck
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