Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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