I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
