please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
