you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
