k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
