I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
