nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
