I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
