he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
