It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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