It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
