On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
