i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
