Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
