Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
