She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
