I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
