I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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